Shall I chop the salmons head off or not?...Oh well, does it really matter as we're going to eat it, not ask for its opinion?

I love dreaming up the perfect gathering; budget free menus, cyber space guests, music, dance or whatever spontaneous and outrageous outbursts that come from the mix of wacky diners.

Today, I will cook for them a silvery, slithery wild salmon, preferably caught by my brother on the river Stinchar in Scotland. He is a beautiful, elegant, and fair minded sportsman and if I were a fish I would prefer to end my days on his line rather than any one else's. 

I find cooking a salmon in a fish kettle my preferred method. They look so snug, like a contented traveler in a couchette. I add rough chopped limes, bruised lemon grass, loads of sea salt, and a nobble of ginger. Star anise can also add another fragrant dimension.

So many foods I think, taste at their best when served warm, fish being one of them. Just eat with bowl-fulls of mayonnaise, both the traditional and the verte and a tremendous amount of crushed potato and spring onion salad. Apart from looking generous, the other reason I love investing in a whole fish is left overs. A great way of stretching them into future greedy evening dinners for one, is fish cakes. 

My suggested mixture heavily favours the fish in preference to potato and benefits from minimum handling. Two thirds chunky bits of fish, Charlotte potato mash, lemon zest, a sprinkling of capers, one dollop of OVF mayo and a glob of greenhouse chutney. The best ever bit on the side with them is Salsa Rossa and (to hell with the scaremongering about cholesterol)...more mayo!

For years I pretended that i didn't like sweet things or puddings. I look back now and think what a ridiculous waste of time that was. Now I keep a pot of curd in the fridge to stick my finger in whenever I get the urge. So todays pud is my current favourite; de-constructed and therefore right in with the trend setters!

Pile up a large mound of broken bits of our meringues, whip up double the amount of cream an average person would be likely to admit to eating, open up at least 3 or 4 varieties of curd: My suggested choice would be blackcurrant, lemon & lavender and the award winning lemon, honey & cardamom curd; the colours are complimentary and really pretty. Lastly choose at least 4 types of seasonal berries and then just sit back and watch your guests assemble what ever crazy mix they desire.

Now my guest list. I would like the party to consist of the clever clogs. They should appreciate the menu as fish is reputed to be good for the brain. I would hope they would see this as recognition for their superior intellect and perhaps an aid for us lesser mortals. Bernard Levin would be a cool dude and definitely cerebrally challenging. Perhaps A.C. Grayling, one of the Hitchens brothers, it would be a hard choice which one, Sarah Hogg; I was at school with her and I would love to ask her how the nuns found a way of stimulating her brain and not mine. I would love to ask my friend Serena who is breathtakingly beautiful and scarily brilliant and lastly I would include Venetia, the wisest woman I will ever know, who would manage to convey that wisdom knocks spots off intelligence.

Enough of my dreaming for one day! Must go and make some jam.